Hollywood’s big night of patting themselves on the back came to a close as ABC hosted the Oscars for all movie geeks to gather around and watch. This Oscar night wasn’t too much unlike it’s predecessors, except for the fact that it was one of the shortest, yet most boring Oscars I have ever watched. None the less, he’s my annual re-cap of fun things you may have missed during the show.
The show starts off with Anne Hathaway and James Franco pretending they have Incepted into Alec Baldwin’s dreams to learn how to host the Oscars. In an attempt to be clever this skit drags on far too long, seems pointless and is executed painfully. Surely this wasn’t a sign of the future for this hosting duo was it? Sadly enough it certainly was. Oscar’s attempt to get the youngsters excited about Oscars by having youngsters host the Oscars wasn’t a bad idea, however these two young stars were really given nothing to work with. Mix that in with my belief that James Franco was stoned out of his mind the entire show, and this year’s Oscar was a snoozefest.
The show really gets kicked off with Kirk Douglas announcing the best supporting actress. First things first, I didn’t know Kirk Douglas was still alive, and part of me still questions if he was. This tiny little corpse of a man walks out onto stage and presents the Oscar with about the same ability as a zombie muttering for brains. I was certainly glad that the announcer took over for Douglas when announcing the nominees, I’m not sure I would have understood the names otherwise. For some reason we let Douglas ramble on with one of those Grandpa Simpson “Stories that go nowhere” for far too long. It was uncomfortable, but I think we all did learn a valuable lesson; The most important thing was he had an onion on his belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have the white onions, the only thing they had was the big yellow ones…because of the war.” -or something.
In other news, Toy Story 3 won best animated feature. Probably confirms its slim chances of best picture to now be zero. It was really a run away in this category. Not much to say except if Toy Story 3 did also win Best Picture it would be the first time that ever happened. Well, we all know that didn’t happen. The only thing I really learned was Justin Timberlake is really Banksy.
Hey! Social Network wins for best adapted screenplay. It’s nice to see one of the Oscar fan favorites win something since it’s going to get snubbed for Kings Speech in most areas. Tradional Oscar style- reel you in by nominating something hip and cool, and let the old people vote on the snobby period piece.
Original screenplay time here…and it’s The King’s Speech. No, it’s not Inception. No- there should not be outrage in the streets. “Nolan is the screenwriter/director Oscar deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So he’ll get snubbed. Because he can take it.” Blah, blah blah. I really like Nolan don’t get me wrong. The man has made many a great films, but just because Inception doesn’t make a damn bit of sense doesn’t mean it is “original” and awesome. And besides, how can one win an “ORIGINAL” screenplay when he stole the idea from a Duck Tales Comic Book. If you don’t believe me, check this out… Donald Duck Did Inception First.
Christian Bale picks up the win for supporting actor in The Fighter. Somehow during his entire acceptance speech I just kept looking at the lights. The lighting was phenomenal. I wonder if the lighting guy was walking around on set during his “scene?” Do you think when he went off stage he threatened to “kick his %#$%^ing a##?” Or better yet, now that he has won, do you think he and Oscar are now “seriously done professionally?”
Good news folks, Inception SOUNDS great. Now this is an Inception category I can really get behind. Nolan’s film is leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else who was nominated. If you want to talk about Inception being robbed, this would have been the category for it to happen. But alas it didn’t. Moving forward….
Original Song goes to The Social Network. I know, I know…Inception was snubbed. In all actuality I had no problem giving Mr. 9 Inch Nails the Oscar. He took like 4 notes pounded out on a piano and made them a memorable, moving piece of art. Inception score was good, but I really loved that the Academy recognized that with music, sometimes less is more. Good call, Academy.
It’s original song presentation time! Randy Newman makes it on to stage and starts singing “We Belong Together.” Anyone who tells me that Randy Newman’s songs are original and different is a buffoon. They all sound the same (much like Pearl Jam music). The only reason people think they are original is because no one else just randomly ”speak/sings” everything they do in life. Family Guy nailed this on the head years ago in an episode. Left Foot! Right foot!
Oh my! Is that George Hamilton? No wait, that is just Zachary Levi from Chuck after having an argument with a spray tan machine. If you look closely, you’ll notice that his hands aren’t as tan as his face. He must have had the same make up artist as Robert Pattinson in Twilight Saga: New Moon. I think he was singing a song from Tangled. I was distracted by his orangeness. He was like, totally Snookie orange!
It was about at this point that I got a message from The Mike announcing that Unstoppable did not win for best Sound editing. Even though this happened 20 minutes ago, he was apparently very upset by this. He assured us all that Tony Scott’s day was coming once the world has had enough Ritalin.
Oprah came out, and did not give everyone a new car. She is also not Banksy, but she did give away the best Documenatry award. The Documentary goes to Inside Job so Hollywood liberals can applaud how hip and cool they are for recognizing the financial crisis and those horrible money grubbing millionaires in Wall Street; Should be noted these guys are very different from the Hollywood money grubbing millionaires who sign their pay checks! Banksy, director of Exit Through the Gift Shop was not at the academy awards..or at least thats what he wants us to believe. But then again for all we know Banksy could be Bieber. I’m on to you Justin Bieber!
Randy Newman wins for Best Original Song. He talks just like he sings. Weird. After reading The Big Show: High Times & Dirty Dealings Backstage at the Academy Awards by Steve Pond, I’ve come to accept this category is one huge corrupt mess of a category. Next award please.
The annual Hey! Look who is dead! section forgot to mention the acting prowess of Corey Haim. Where would we be with out the acting skills of The Two Coreys? I guess crazy, whacked out, drugged up actors don’t make the in memoriam section. Sad new folks, this means Oscar will never give a proper goodbye to Tom Siezemore, Lindsay Lohan, and Charlie Sheen.
Oh noes! Best Director with out Nolan! Outrage! Ok, I’m done pretending to be angry to appease the nerds. Tom Hooper wins for The King’s Speech. Last year, I mentioned that I thought James Cameron channeled his looks from the Quaker Oats guy. This year, Tom Hooper looks like James Cameron stepping out of a time machine. Perhaps the only interesting part about this segment was the fact that Anne Hathaway had to introduce Hillary Swank, who would walk onto stage and introduce Kathryn Bigelow who would then announce the nominees and winners. Let me help you shave time producers. From the production truck…”Stepping onto stage is the 2010 winner of Best Director for The Hurt Locker, Kathryn Bigelow.” 10 seconds does was 1 minute of stupidity also takes care of.
Rooster Cogburn, I mean, The Dude, I mean Jeff Bridges gives Natalie Portman an Oscar for Black Swan. Yup…not shocking, not eventful. Follow that up with Collin Firth for the King’s Speech. Is anyone shocked by this?
Best Picture goes to: The King’s Speech. The stuffy old guys club was really never going to let anything else win. If you thought differently, you haven’t ever watched or read about the Oscars before. I’m not going to lie, if they would have announced Winter’s Bone, Kids are All Right or Toy Story 3 it would have made my night. Deserving? Probably not, but it sure would have been fun to hear the outrage.
They finish off the Oscars with performance by a group of children singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and Franco and Hathaway signing off for the night. Franco seemed even more stoned than ever before, and was just hoping to finish up so he could go polish off a bag of Post-Oscar Doritos. Hathaway had by then changed into some dress that was accenting her bosoms. That strange circle pattern was sort of making it almost seem see through or something. Never mind. I’m trying to keep this rant family friendly!
So ends this years, Post Oscar musings. I’ll see you all again for another rant in another year. In the mean time, read some other awesome stuff on the site!
