Starring: Eric Roberts and random people they found on the beach and declared actors?
Directed by: Steven R. Monroe
Rated: well it’s ok for TV….PG-13?
Movie Released: 2010
Why I place myself in these ridiculous scenarios I shall never know, however, I found myself parked in front of the TV with good friend and movie affectionado The Mike watching Sharktopus last night. Of course, besides the obvious question of “why would you watch that?” the question many people will be quick to ask is “What is a Sharktopus?” Simply put, a sharkopus is a genetic experiment that crossed a shark with an octopus. I know you will then ask why anyone would create such a thing and I am sad to report that it is chalked up to the bad idea of a government super weapon.
Now if you haven’t stopped reading this review already, let me enlighten you very quickly with this horrendous plot. A sharktopus is created and is going to be used as the ultimate weapon in stopping drug traffickers and terrorists. Apparently a sharktopus is stealthy and can get where the police can not. The sharktopus is controlled by a radio wave mind control device that is apparently secured to it with a metal strap that is slightly stronger than a bungee cord or your average leather belt. Once the strap falls off , the sharktopus is no longer under any one’s control and begins to bring havoc upon sunny Mexican beaches as the government tries to regain control of the their super shark/octopus weapon.
Starring Eric Roberts who you may recognize as an actor and a cast of actors and actresses that I am not sure can be classified as such, Sharktopus is about as terrible as a film can get. Mind you, this is coming from the guy who watched Mongolian Death Worm with The Mike and Nate Grenbeck and found some resemblance of enjoyment out of it. I can respect a good cheesy SyFy Original movie when they come around. There is something fun about strange super creatures, whether it be a Giant Shark Vs. Mega Octopus, a Mongolian Death Worm, a crazed Yeti, or in this case a a half shark, half octopus. On simple cheese of splicing together a shark and octopus, this film succeeds, however on every other level it falls flat on it’s face.
At no point do I expect an in depth plot for a film aptly titled Sharktopus, but one would think it would have something to keep it going for it’s 1 hour and 30 minute run time. Instead Sharktopus strings together scenes of bad actors and actresses enjoying the summer sun. It then of course has some bikini clad girl (with an acting prowess that makes Paris Hilton look like and academy award winner) being chomped on by a sharktopus. As soon as we end that scene we jump to the next which follows a formula of 1.) Bikini glad girl eaten by sharktopus, or 2.) Shot of Sharktopus scientists trying to unsuccessfully capture said sharktopus before it devours another bikini clad girl. And so, like a broken record this film continues to loop again and again and again.
The only wonderful thing about Sharktopus is that they actually created a sharktopus. If you’ve ever wondered what that would look like, SyFy has shown you. Oddly enough we learned that the size of a sharktopus is negotiable. At moments notice a sharktopus could be as big as a house and the next minute small enough to swim through shallow waters without even being seen. In the end all Sharktopus led to was The Mike and I coming up with other SyFy gene splice ideas such as “MonkeyLions, Octophants (a massive Octopus with tusks, a trunk and elephant ears), and Owlcats (flying nocturnal cats who live in trees and feed on human flesh). As you can see it was a productive night. Sorry Sharktopus, you were a failure. I wanted to like you but alas I could not. Although if anyone from SyFy reads this and wants to make MonkeyLions, Octophants or Owlcats, call The Mike and I up. We’ve got some great plot ideas.