A Review by Nate Grenbeck
Starring: Sean Patrick Flannery
Directed by: Steven R. Monroe
Rated: well it’s ok for TV….PG-13?
Movie Released: 2010
I had the great honor to join Jason and The Mike in a movie night on Wednesday evening, and while some will say I drew the short straw, I promised to produce a review for a movie so epic and so mind blowing that only the makers of Sci Fi Original Movies could contain its plot. Titled Mongolian Death Worm, this made for television movie had about as much sense as a drunk, schizophrenic toddler as it staggered through its 2 hour run time. Of course, by no means am I, Nate Grenbeck nor any of the other writers of BoxOfficeBoredom.com endorsing the support of giving alcohol to minors, especially a schizophrenic toddler, but you can imagine what it would be like if someone did right? The people at Sci Fi actually gave the drunken toddler a video camera and a special effects crew that had advance training on computer programs that were slightly more advanced than Microsoft paint and turned them loose with a $75 budget and a deadline. The end result of this strange social experiment became what we know as Mongolian Death Worm.
Using the star power of Sean Patrick Flannery (you know, one of the brothers from The Boondock Saints) , and well, that’s about it for star power Mongolian Death Worm prods forward like a bad rip off based on 1990’s Tremors. Flannery plays Daniel, a broke, con-man treasure hunter looking for Genghis Kahn’s tomb who agrees to help his friend, a local sheriff , that while watching we lovingly named Chung Norris, transport two American medical doctors trapped alongside the road to a small impoverished village in need of medicine and supplies. Anyhow, Sheriff Chung Norris (named for this because of his Western attire and ability to deliver lines with the grace of Chuck Norris) and Daniel soon find that there are large Mongolian Death Worms that have been awakened from their underground slumber by an American Oil company doing experimental drilling in the area. These giant death worms are rumored to be the protector of Kahn’s legendary tomb, but also plan on feasting on anyone and anything that get in their path.
Plot wise, that sums us up for Mongolian Death Worm. I’m not sure it makes sense, but you just have to go with it and move on. As an evil conservative who would consider wearing the T-Shirt that’s pictured to the right, even I started to have second thoughts on oil exploration after watching Mongolian Death Worm. After all, in May we began the process that soon became the biggest man made natural disaster in history thanks to experimental oil drilling, and now I am being told that we might awaken giant Mongolian Death Worms that will swallow contributing members of society? I think we need to put the brakes on here! I’d prefer to let the death worms slumber, besides can’t we power our cars on garbage and a flux capacitor yet? C’mon General Motors! Use that bail out money for flux capacitor research!
Anyhow, if you haven’t been able to tell yet I’m avoiding writing a lot of substance about Mongolian Death Worm because there isn’t a lot of substance to talk about. Sean Patrick Flannery is terrible in the film, and somehow manages to channel the acting prowess 90’s Luke Perry and Donnie Wahlberg (note: We said DONNIE, not Marky Mark) all through the usage of a v-neck Hanes white T shirt and a pair of aviator sunglasses. Somehow, sunglasses on means Luke Perry, sunglasses off means Donnie Wahlberg. Don’t question it, it just is. As noted above, Chung Norris makes the movie fun, because his western get up makes him seem out of place. The film also stars an appearance by Ernie Reyes Jr., you know that kung fu fighting, pizza delivering kid from the Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze. I was always wondering what Keno was up to these days; I was saddened to find out it was staring in Mongolian Death Worm and not playing celebrity poker on late night home shopping network with Ross from Friends (that’s his name dammit!- It’s not David Schwimm…) and Rufio from Hook.
Aside from a few good laughs such as the manual shut down that involved simultaneously turning 3 wheels left (in which they turned right and only did 2 of them) and then changing the direction to “counter clockwise” because the man told them the left and almost caused an explosion (Counterclockwise=left mind you), horrible CG death worms swallowing people whole in uneventful manors, and Chung Norris, Mongolian Death Worm has nothing going for it. And I mean NOTHING going for it, not even for a Sci Fi original movie.
Sorry Mongolian Death Worms, but you should stay burried, and take your crappy film with you!