Written by a Cranky Film Geek
Everyone loves to go to the movies, myself included, but I am going to let you in on a few little secrets that everyone should know about attending a movie theater. This is the stuff they don’t teach you in school because some of it is common courtesy, others are just plain idiotic. Through my years of spending way too much time staring at the big screen, I have finally decided to share my observations during a trip to the theater.
1. Ringing Cell Phones are the most annoying things in the world. We’ve all been at a movie and had the one guy that has his cell phone go off. You want to punch that guy in the head. Don’t be that guy. Believe it or not, your cell phone is annoying to the people around you.
2. Cell phones in general are annoying. When you are at the theater, there is NO call, I repeat NO call that is that important. Turn your phone completely off when you are in a theater. The vibrating noises, you crawling over crowds to run out the door and answer your phone, or even those annoying bright lights that your phone gives off are distracting to some people. Text messaging is equally annoying. Your phone lights up. You may think you are being courteous by turning the ringer off but that’s not enough. There was a time before cell phones. People made it through the entire movie without having to take that call from their friends! Chances are if you are in a movie and your parents call to tell you that they need you to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home they will leave a voice mail, or call back later. Don’t pick those things up!
I will of course cave on my take cell phones if you are a member of an emergency service group (police, EMT, volunteer fireman) or if you are on the waiting list for an emergency lung or heart transplant.
3. Answering your phone in the theater is one of the dumbest things you can do. Every time someone has the nerve to actually answer their cell phone in a theater, I like to throw a rock at his or her heads. Luckily for me, it’s dark and there are plenty of people in the theater for you to blame it on. It’s just as annoying when you run out the door listening to the person talking to you because you have answered your phone as you are exiting mid movie. I always keep a supply of rocks in my coat pocket. Don’t make me hit you with one or two.
4. The movie theater is not your couch. When people enter a movie theater, they immediately think that they can do what they want. They talk to each other, answer cell phones, chatter away, complain about the stupid parts, sometimes even talk about what they are doing after the show. You are not the only one in the theater! Stop talking! Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean that you should too! Realize they are idiots and don’t become one of them. Start throwing rocks at them like I do.
5. No one really needs Play By Play commentary for a movie. I once sat by a girl from ISU’s Delta Delta Delta Sorority while attending “Runaway Jury.” She in her infinite stereotypical wisdom, asked her boyfriend what was happening in every single scene. He then would break it down for her while the next scene was happening. As soon as he would finish, she would ask, “So I was listening to you, so like what just happened there?” After an hour of this, I finally got up and went home. The same type of thing happened in Suspect Zero! Come on people, If you are going to be confused, why always with the stupid films? The point is shut up and listen, and talk about it afterwards. If you don’t understand the plot or the point by the end, the movie was either very bad, or you are too stupid to watch it!
6. The Box Office Cashier has no idea what you want to see. Every night at least 10 people walk up to the box office, slap a $20 bill down and say, “Two please.” Two tickets to what? Theater workers don’t know. They can’t tell by the way you look at them, they can’t tell by how you are dressed and they can’t read minds. So, don’t get all defensive and mad when the cashier asks you 2 tickets to what? The only time a theater worker actually can tell what movie you are probably going to is if your choices are “Phantom of the Opera” or “Boogeyman” In that case personal appearances more easily determine what you are going to!
7. You can’t get your money back because you don’t like it. If you make it all the way through a movie and you realize It sucked, whose fault is it? It’s not the theater’s fault because you made a bad choice, it’s your fault. Why then, do people think theaters should give refunds because you didn’t like it? That’s like eating an entire pizza and then taking the empty box up to the counter and demanding a refund because you don’t like pepperoni and would rather have had sausage. That’s just ridiculous. You bought the ticket, like the film or not, once it starts you shouldn’t get a refund.
8. Contrary to popular belief held by all parents, because you have children that does not mean you have special permissions to ruin people’s movie going experience. It’s not like audiences give you a special pass “to ruin it up” for all others at the theater. You might be surprised to learn this, but people in the back of the theater want to watch the movie just as much as the people in the front. Therefore, standing in the back of a theater cradling your screaming, sniffling, crying child is probably not the best of ideas.
9. Most movie theaters DO NOT Sell movie posters. They would look cool on your wall. Can you have them? No. Can they sell them to you? No. Why? Because they are not the theater’s property to sell. What do theaters do with them? They put them in the trunk of the manager’s car, they burn them, they destroy them or they use them to build a nuclear weapon. Your choice. Next question please.
10. Why are those snack bar prices so high? Because that is how theaters get their money. Theater payroll comes from the Milk Duds you buy. Most theaters don’t see much more than a few dimes from your ticket prices. And here is another hint for you, the theater employees pretty much share your universal attitude that prices are too high. However, it is how they get paid and no one is forcing you to buy concessions.
11. You can’t bring your own food into movie theaters. Does this sound insane to you? Some theaters don’t sell coffee, pizza, sub sandwiches or alcohol. That doesn’t mean it gives you a right to bring it in. The theater doesn’t sell hand grenades either, but do you really want the crazy guy next to you to sit there happily with one?
12. Just because someone sits in one “row” does not mean that is the best seat in the house. Every time I go to a theater, I go early and have done some research. Regardless of where I sit in an empty auditorium on a slow day, the other people that come in afterward crowd around in the seats near me. Some even sit Right NEXT to me. I once spent a nice night with my girlfriend in a near empty movie. Sitting right next to me the whole time was the only other couple watching the film.
13. When a film breaks or projectors break, don’t flip out. Stuff happens. The movie is not on CD, you don’t just have to push the play button again. Kindly inform the usher there is a problem if you don’t think they know about it. Chances are your film shut down and somewhere upstairs a minimum wage employee is trying to untangle a ball of film that’s on the floor. Be patient and wait. It’s not like theaters are purposely trying to aggravate you.
