End Game

A Review by Jason L. King

Starring: Kurt Angle, Jenna Morasca
Directed by: Bruce Kohler
Rated: R for language, violence, domestic abuse, sexual content
Movie Released: 2009

Final Grade: ***
*Also unanimous Winner of the Box Office Boredom’s “Wes Craven Presents Carnival of Souls” award for achievement in movie “terribleness”

After watching The Marine 2 on dvd movie night, The Mike and I decided to continue our pro-wrestler theme and thanks to our local Redbox, we came across a film called End Game. End Game stars Olympic Gold Medalist, former WWE wrestler and current TNA wrestler Kurt Angle as a crazed killer/rapist being tracked by the police. The film left Mike and I both speechless, and it wasn’t because it was good! If anyone knows of a petition floating around that will ensure that Bruce Kohler is never allowed to make a film again, please let me know. I know Mike and I will both be begging to sign it!

Way back in the day (which was a Wednesday by the way), The Mike and I watched a movie called “Wes Craven Presents Carnival of Souls.” Upon the completion of this film, we both realized that this film was the absolute worst movie we had ever seen. We began rating films on a scale of “Wes Craven Presents Carnival of Souls” to 10. Many films over the years have gotten close to a unanimous “Carnival of Souls” ratings but very few have ever achieved it. One of the very few to come to mind was Stallone’s remake of Get Carter. But I feel more than confident in announcing that we have a new winner. Kurt Angle has made a film that achieved “Wes Craven Carnival of Souls” status.

The film has the production value of a film that is actually lower budget than a porn film. Very few times in life do you watch a film, and say “I really wish this film had the production value of a WWE film.” Sadly enough, that came out of The Mike’s mouth while watching it. And I couldn’t agree with him more. WWE production studios quality are leaps and bounds better than anything we saw in this film. When the sets didn’t look like they were standing on the reject streets of Sesame Street, they looked like the worst green screen work you have ever seen, even though they were using real life places (and filming) in Angle’s hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. During the film we actually commented that one of the back drops for a diner called Tom’s Diner actually looked like something they would use to “set the scene” for an SNL sketch. It should be noted, even though the film mentioned a place called “Tom’s Diner” the diner featured at least in this film has nothing to do with the Suzanne Vega song. (What’s even sadder I remembered the song, and it’s title Tom’s Diner when seeing the building). When you think of that, it’s kind of ironic the song Tom’s Diner has nothing to do with a diner, and the diner featured in this film actually has nothing to do with the plot!

The actors, if you dare to call them that, seemed like they were reading their lines for the first time. They were delivered with out any emotion and there wasn’t even a glimmer of chemistry between any of the actors involved. Starring alongside Angle is reality show, “Survivor: Amazon”, contestant Jenna Morasca, who got her spot in the film probably by simply showing up to the audition. I’ve seen retarded chimp pretending to be Michael Corleone act more convincingly than Kurt Angle did in this film, and surprisingly enough- Angle was the best actor in this film. It’s actually painful to watch these characters on screen. I have seen job training videos that have been of higher quality than this.

Filled with plot holes and a plot that makes no sense, this film is a disaster from the get go. I mean this film has everything you could never want in a film. If actors who can’t act isn’t enough, the film starts off with a Kurt Angle having sex with a hooker in a scene that goes at least 2 minutes past the way too uncomfortable mark. And it just doesn’t stop there. We have strippers who are more clothed than anyone else in the strip club, we have Kurt Angle dressing as “Buffo The Clown” to kidnap a cops daughter (for reasons that are never quite explained), and scenes of Angle battering women (but looking more fake than even the worst pro wrestling could ever look). The director tries to cover plot holes by throwing in bits of dialogue after the fact just to fill plot holes. There are 2 side stories that never go anywhere, one involving the cop and an affair with an exotic dancer (and roommate of one of Angle’s victims), and that same exotic dancer wrestling with the idea of stopping stripping and going to join a really poorly choreographed dance troop. The cops in the film are so incompetent, you never understand why they are doing what they are doing, and you never once feel like they are even getting close to capturing Angle’s character. Suddenly one of them just “meets up” with him on a boat and begins to battle over a gun.

To be honest, one could go over and over everything that is wrong with End Game until they are blue in the face. The film actually angers me just thinking about it. The Mike and I watched it on Wednesday night. On Thursday night we had another in depth discussion on how terrible the film was and declared it “Wes Craven Presents Carnival of Souls” worthy (which is lower than an “F”), and now I am again re-hashing it as I write the review. Truth be told, I feel as though I have given more thought to this film than anyone involved in it has.

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