The Wild Thornberrys Movie

A Film Review Michael Haley

Rating:PG for nothing.
Starring: Lacey Chabert (who’s voice is hot), Tim Curray, Rupert Everatt, Flea, Marissa Tomei.
Directed By:Cathy Mackelsian, Jeff McGrath.

Final Grade:

After taking a six day break and pissing Jason off, I’m back once again with two new reviews for you…Wild Thornberry’s and Gangs of New York. Geez, I feel dirty mentioning the two films in the same sentence; it seems like blasphemy (even though Gangs was somewhat disappointing). Wild Thornberry’s is a Nickelodeon films release, and also an animated feature. I stress that because it has been one heck of a year for animated releases, with spirited treasures Spirited Away and Treasure Planet, along with several good ones such as Spirit and Ice Age. However, there always seems to be a kernel in a delicious bag of popcorn, and this movie is that kernel. If you have even a slight love of film, you slightly like film, heck even if you don’t feel anything for film, than stay away from this movie!

Plot synopsis in three sentences: Girl is given power to speak with animals, loses one, goes to Britain ala Madeline, comes back to Africa, deals with poachers, and watches her retarded little brother do a wedgie dance with a bunch of baboons. The movie was a hit show on Nickelodean, and Nickelodean decides to make the movie to get a quick wad of cash. Everyone watching the movie commits suicide to relieve the pain.

I don’t know where to begin bashing this movie, because it’s not really a “movie” but a “product,” and even so, it’s a piss poor “product.” The animation is second rate to the point where I was yearning for the sophisticated animation of something more like Southpark. The character drawings are beyond ugly (I know that may not seem like a valid reason to dislike the film, but would it really hurt the animators to draw some attractive people? I think not) and the movie’s dialogue and story are written to appeal to a three year old intellect. Considering most of us Cyclones do not have three year old intellects (although you could never tell by looking at Jason’s attempt at web design) I see no reason to recommend this movie to any student who is struggling to pay for tuition.
Okay you say, but it was a t.v. show…the movie is meant to appeal to those who liked the show. I can’t say there, but on the basis of the movie, I want absolutely nothing to do with the television show. I can’t sit here and write anymore about this movie out of fear of doing another Ballistic or Waking Up In Reno review and come off sounding like a frothing critic who doesn’t like anything (wait a minute! That is me! Oh well). I won’t flunk this movie because I’m sure it will appeal to three year olds, and there are some students who more than likely have three year olds, and this movie would be a wise choice for them. Everyone else should avoid this one like the plague.

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