A Film Review By The Mike

Rating:RATED PG-13 for PG-13ness
Starring: Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Monet Mazur
Directed By: Joseph Kahn

Final Grade:

Hey folks! In honor of the one-year anniversary of Biker Boyz, I bring you my review of Torque…IN POETIC VERSE!!!!!!! You may start cringing….now.

It’s a new action movie and it calls itself Torque,
And it tries to hit as hard as Hockey star Ray Borque.
It’s for angry young men who like to eat beef and pork,
and who never listen to that strange Eskimo Bjork.

Torque’s all about bikes and they who ride hogs,
Most of whom apparently kill others to feed to dogs.
You may think I’m kidding, but you wouldn’t be right,
Ice Cube’s dog Dojo must have quite a bite.

It stars that weird guy from the movie The Ring,
Who never has been, nor will be, a “big thing”.
As I said before, it has also that wacky Ice Cube,
And gallons of oil that are needed for lube.

In engines, I mean, because the bikes must look great,
Untill they crash hard, like me learning to ice skate.
It might be bad luck, or it might be their fate,
But most of these bikes will never again “figure eight”.

But what of this film, is it good or quite bad?
And can it compare to that 80’s flick Rad?
In honesty, only one answer is had,
Let’s hope biker movies are only a fad!

But, to be fair, Torque’s not a piece of trash,
I expected it would make my so angry I’d thrash.
It’s still not good, and suffers from being too brash,
I hope those bikers didn’t end up with a wicked rash.

I didn’t use “crash” in that last stanza,
But I did use stanza to rhyme with Tony Danza.
I’m getting off-topic, Torque’s made pretty well,
It just has a screenplay from screenwriting hell.

It’s got cool stuff, like explosions and action,
Those bikes must have had tires with extra good traction.
Henderson is OK; Monet Mazur was a pleasant surprise,
She looked like a typical blond, who’s not hard on the eyes.

But in fact she did her job, really quite nice,
Though less as an actress than a sinful vice.
But sometimes the flick’s not so nice to look at.
Like the final chase scene, which is very un-phat.

It delves into the realm of crappy CGI,
Which has become more American than Mom’s apple pie.
In the end it’s not good, nor really that bad,
And I’ll never recommend it, not even to Dad.

Most will say that Torque is not worth their spit,
And most of that most won’t even see it.
That’s probably what would be in the best,
Leave Torque to hardcore fans, and give them a rest.

So in the end, I’ll say this about Torque,
It doesn’t hit hard as the man named Ray Borque.
It may not be meaty as slabs of beef or pork,
But it’s more entertaining than that Eskimo Bjork!

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