Texas Chainsaw Massacre

A Film Review By The Mike

Rating:RATED R for being horribly violent
Starring: Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, R. Lee Ermey
Directed By: Marcus Nispel

Final Grade:

(Sorry Masha…I have no choice but to swear in this review.)

It’s hard for me to name a time when I have been more disappointed in our society than while watching the new take on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Audiences flocked to this film upon its opening, it’s take at the box equaling over 29 Million dollars for the weekend. That’s a bigger opening than magnificent films like Kill Bill and School Of Rock recently have had. In fact, it’s the biggest opening since New Line Cinema’s last horror megahit, Freddy vs. Jason. I’m betting that most of the uneducated fools that entered the film left feeling they’d been privy to a “scary” movie, and didn’t mind it one bit.

Once again, a true sign that Joe Moviegoer doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Anyone who’s seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre knows what this film should have been, but instead we get a wickedly diabolical film that seems to only be trying to show its audience people being tortured. All the elements of suspense and filmmaking style that existed in the first have been replaced by lewd acts of violence, brought to you in the ways of MTV. The filmmakers show no sympathy for their characters, no care for the art of storytelling, and no will to provide anything that’s remotely suspenseful in the film.

It almost feels like those behind this monstrosity had spent most of their time sitting around saying – “Ooh, I bet the audience will squirm if we show ’em this!” People are sliced, stabbed, dismembered, disfigured, and destroyed with a total lack of substance in nearly every minute of this film. If you’ve read my reviews of other horror films, you know that I’m usually fine with violence and gore, and often applaud it. But there has to be a reason to care, and a reason to be scared besides simply the gruesome act that’s taking place. Does this film provide us that? Not once.

Almost worse than the overuse of violence is the fact that the element of surprise is overused to the extent of being telegraphed. When the jumps do come, anyone with a brain knows they’re coming five seconds before they do. It’s a perfect film for that annoying fratboy that sits behind you and screams every time the film wants him to, with his only goal being to get a rise out of the audience.

Yeah, I suppose the film looks good (But then again, what doesn’t these days?), and does what it wants to in terms of scaring the average cinema moron. But in the end, it’s just like that fratboy I mentioned in the last paragraph. A mean-spirited entity that only wishes to entertain itself by making people feel nauseous.

Do yourself a favor. Go rent the Tobe Hooper’s 1973 film of this name. It’s as scary as any film you’ll ever see. Then, if you like watching people get tortured, check out the new version, and see another example of how Hollywood has become nothing more than a bunch of money-hungry pigs who care nothing about producing a quality product. Or better yet, don’t. All that’ll do is give them an excuse to make a sequel.

P.S. – Where the hell was Leatherface’s trademark dance? One of the most memorable moments in horror cinema, and these punks decide to make a remake without it? Just another sign of how little these sons-of-bitches care.

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