Cradle 2 The Grave

A Film Review By Michael Haley

Rating:R for stupid violence and stupid rap songs with dirty words in them.
Starring: DMX, Jet Li, Tom Arnold, Anthony Anderson, Gabrielle Union.
Directed By: Andrzej Bartkowiak

Final Grade:
<

Geez. There is so much beauty in this world, it is almost painful to absorb it all. The leaves blossoming amidst the spring wind, a couple holding hands against the pale moonlight…which makes it all the tortuous to watch and review this flaming piece of crap. Now I realize that it sounds unprofessional to use such a term when describing a film because it makes the critic sound like a whining four year old who doesn’t know how to express himself, but I’m left with no choice… “flaming piece of crap” is the only phrase fit to describe the film, because that’s what it is. I never considered myself a dumb person but I sadly proved myself wrong after sticking around for the whole film.

The film stars the classic rapper DMX. It has Jet Li in it. Needless to say, the plot is pointless and therefore I won’t bother “ruining it” for any of you. Or should I say any of youse, as the intelligence of the film’s characters seem to suggest. It’s the same damn thing that’s been seen numerous times before…there’s diamonds, there’s thieves, there’s governments with thieves and little girls with daddies that are thieves thieving diamonds. Who cares…sadly enough, quite a few care judging by this weekend’s box office receipts.

DMX is not the worst actor out there…Freddie Prinze Jr. has got him beat there by a long shot. That being said, he still doesn’t bring anything noteworthy to his role, and neither does anyone else in the movie. Tom Arnold is a pretty funny guy and so is Anthony Anderson, but the “comic relief” they have to offer is just sad and pathetic. Jet Li offers the most value for your dollar because of his impressive skills as a martial artist, but pretty stunts a good movie does not make. Gabrielle Union proves she is a versatile actress by adding “worthless girl whose only function is to strip for bad guy” to her resume. Oh yeah, and she gets to beat up the evil girl in the film. Whooptie do.

Maybe I’m out of touch with my generation, but does drivel like this honestly appeal to anyone? Apparently so, because Exit Wounds made money and this one likely will too. This film is so bad that I’m literally at a loss for words. It’s bad escapism entertainment, and wastes screen space for films that actually give a damn about something other than things that go “boom”. For god’s sake, ignore this movie!!

P.S. (Spoiler ahead, don’t read if you care about this movie turns out) When DMX saves his child that was kidnapped by the evil diamond thieves, he punches the kidnapper and says, “You’re not a good father!!” What an astute comment on the role of the father figure in society; it really got me thinking.

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